Bedroom Confessions: Breaking the silence around sex and erectile dysfunction

Sex is everywhere. On our screens, in the news, and across our social media feeds. But behind closed doors, many of us are still struggling to talk honestly about what’s really going on in the bedroom. In fact, 15% of UK adults feel uncomfortable discussing sexual insecurities like body image or erectile dysfunction with their intimate partner.

But how much of an impact is this having on our sex lives?

We’ve conducted a nationwide survey to look into how shame, silence, and fear of judgment are keeping people from enjoying healthy, satisfying sexual relationships. We also explore how being open, honest, and seeking medical advice when it’s needed, can help us all feel more comfortable and confident in bed.

While it can be an empowering and freeing act, many of us feel some level of insecurity when it comes to sex.

According to our survey, 40% of the UK prefer to have sex with the lights off, suggesting body image might be a source of anxiety in the bedroom. This is backed up by the fact that half (52%) of women say their weight is a significant insecurity in the bedroom. Body image also impacts men, with 1 in 5 saying penis size is a key insecurity for them.

Performance anxiety also came out as a top concern for men and women. 29% of women report that their sex drive makes them feel insecure, while 27% of men say ED (erectile dysfunction) is their biggest bedroom insecurity - that’s just over 1 in 4.

While it’s perfectly normal to be nervous about how your body looks or how it’s performing in the moment, it can also be frustrating when these insecurities affect how you connect with your partner.

Luckily, many of these concerns can be worked on individually or with your partner through practices like open communication or sex therapy. For issues like ED or low sex drive, medical help is another great option for moving past any barriers.

But just how disruptive are these insecurities?

Whether it’s concerns about our appearance or how we perform in the bedroom, insecurities can have an impact on our sex lives and our sexual relationships.

And it’s more common than you might think.

83% of Brits say they have at least one sexual insecurity that impacts their sex lives. In fact, our survey reveals that a significant number of adults are avoiding sex altogether due to these concerns.

We asked people the main reason why they might have avoided sex or intimacy over the past 12 months. Here’s what they said:

• 48% mention weight concerns as a factor
• 42% are avoiding sex due to performance anxiety
• 44% of women avoid sex due to insecurity around body hair
• 62% of women and 52% of men avoid sex due to low sex drive

Additionally, 36% of men say they avoid sex due to concerns around their penis size and 34% of women avoid it due to anxieties about their vulva.

All of this goes to show that these anxieties and insecurities don’t exist in isolation - they impact our actions and relationships with our partners.

What are we hiding from our partners?

Even if people aren’t avoiding intimacy altogether, insecurities can create distance between partners, with people bending the truth in the bedroom to prevent judgment, minimise an issue, or avoid hurting a partner’s feelings.

Whatever the reason, we asked our respondents what they’ve lied to a partner about when it comes to sex.

41% of UK adults say they have lied to their partner about sexual satisfaction, echoing the idea that sexual performance is a key point of anxiety for men and women. In fact, while 52% of women said they’ve lied about achieving orgasm, 21% of men also lied about this, showing it’s an insecurity for both genders.

Sexual experience also seems to be a pain point, with 21% of UK adults having lied about their number of sexual partners, rising to 24% among UK men.

It’s natural to tell a white lie to avoid feeling insecure or judged. But these lies can cause an emotional and psychological disconnect between intimate partners, which can make issues worse. Dr Crystal Wyllie says a lack of communication with a partner is something many people struggle with:

“Sometimes we feel the need to lie about our pleasure or sexual experience so that we don’t feel judged. But while it’s a normal response, getting into the habit of being dishonest about our sexual habits can create emotional distance with a partner and make insecurities even worse. Open communication is key for a happy, healthy sexual relationship, so being honest about how we’re feeling is a great first step.”

Where do our minds go during sex?

Another common problem that can get in the way of connection with a partner is being distracted in the moment. In fact, over two-thirds of UK adults admit that their mind has wandered during sex.

But what else is occupying our thoughts in the moment?

Daily stresses are a common distraction, with 20% of adults saying they think of work stress during sex. 16% of adults also say they think of household chores or financial worries during sex, with 7% of men and 22% of women thinking of chores and 11% of men and 19% of women thinking of finances.

Other people also come up frequently, ranging from celebrities (13%) to work colleagues (9%). 17% of people also said they think of an ex (21% for men and 13% for women) and 12% said they think of a friend. 9% of men also said they’ve thought about their partner’s best friend during sex.

Whether it’s through avoidance or the occasional lie, a lack of open and honest dialogue around sex is creating a communication gap in the bedroom.

As mentioned, 15% of people feel uncomfortable discussing sexual insecurities with their partner, something which can have a knock-on effect on the relationship as a whole. While this issue affects both men and women, men in particular seem to struggle when it comes to sharing how they feel about sex.

21% of men say they’d be too embarrassed to talk to their partner about performance issues, showing they might find communication difficult when it comes to sex. Only 8% of men said they would speak to a friend about performance issues, suggesting that topics like this aren’t freely talked about and could be a source of embarrassment even when talking to others, not just a partner.

This is backed up by the fact that only 22% of men said they’d seek medical advice for performance-related issues, again suggesting that embarrassment or being self-conscious is getting in the way of resolving these problems.

Bedroom habits in modern Britain

Sex in the digital age is more complex than ever. From phone distractions to AI-powered sexting, our modern lifestyles are reshaping intimacy.

To explore just how much modernity is changing things, we looked at how technology and shifting lifestyle habits are influencing the way we approach sex.

12% of Brits say they’ve checked their phone during sex, showing that tech could be another bedroom distraction. 9% of men also say they’ve used AI for sex advice, with 1 in 20 adults saying they’ve used AI to sext a partner. This adds to the issue of silence around sex, with people seeking support from AI rather than talking to their partners or friends.

Once again, all these factors are getting in the way of us communicating and connecting with our partners, which can impact all areas of the relationship, especially when it comes to getting intimate.

What does “good” sex look like?

With all the distractions and anxieties, it’s not surprising that 41% of Brits say they lie about their satisfaction during sex. But what does “good” sex look like?

We asked respondents how long they think good sex should last. On average, Brits say 23 minutes and 45 seconds is the ideal duration for sex. Breaking this down, 17% prefer a shorter session, saying 5-10 minutes is ideal, while 27% prefer a longer 21-30 minutes in the bedroom. Gay and lesbian couples also favoured a longer duration overall, citing 41 minutes as the ideal length of time.

Given that penis size is a key anxiety point for many men, we also asked our respondents if they think a bigger penis means better sex. 75% of people disagree and 78% of women don’t think a bigger penis means a better sexual experience.

These stats go to show that what might be a source of anxiety for one person isn’t always something their partner considers a bad thing. Acknowledging this could open the door for more healthy, honest conversations around sex and sexual pleasure.

Understanding and managing erectile dysfunction

Over 1 in 3 men in the UK have struggled with erectile dysfunction. On top of this, 39% say they’ve experienced premature ejaculation, also known as PE (while not a symptom of ED, the two are often related).

But even though ED and PE are common, there’s still a sense of embarrassment around these sexual problems. 16% of UK men say they’ve lied to a partner about ED or arousal issues, and 19% say they would feel embarrassed and avoid intimacy altogether if they were experiencing these performance problems.

The shame around these symptoms is also clear in the fact that just 22% of men say they’d seek medical advice for ED or PE. 13% of men also say they’d ignore performance issues and hope they’d go away on their own, and only 1 in 10 men would speak to a friend or family member if they experienced these problems. All these stats show that this is a sensitive topic many don’t feel comfortable talking about, even to a medical professional.

Luckily, for those 22% of men who do seek medical support, ED is easily manageable with various treatment options from lifestyle changes to medications like sildenafil or Viagra.

If you or your partner are experiencing symptoms, whether they are physical or something more psychological like performance anxiety, don’t ignore it - there are ways forward. Talk to someone or speak to a medical professional with Asda Online Doctor and get started with a treatment option that works for you.